hope's glow

Tomorrow Rearranges All Of Today's Expectations

2010-09-29T21:39:00.005-07:00

When I started this blog, I had dreams of parenthood that stretched out as far as the miles that separated us from our daughter in China. A year went by, then two, and on it went as we waited to become parents through international adoption. Tired of the endless wait, we decided to apply for domestic adoption in 2009 but domestic opportunities seemed few and competition for those situations seemed high. Over time, the weariness borne from anxious waiting chipped away at our resolve, leaving in its wake anger and sadness instead of hopeful expectation. In recent months, our conversations had turned from speculation over how long we might have to wait for a referral to whether we even still wanted to be waiting.

And then, in a matter of hours, everything changed. In mid July, we got "the call" at 6:00 p.m. that our son was born, and that we needed to be in another state to pick him up by noon the very next day. We had nothing - no nursery, no plane tickets, not a diaper in sight and most importantly, no clue that morning when we woke up that we would go to bed that night as parents.

We had nothing, yet in under 24 hours, we would have - everything.

Someone asked me the other day - so, was it all worth it? I expected to be able to say without hesitation - yes. But what came to mind instead was the years of hurt, the surgeries, the shots, the tests, the worry, the paperwork, the grind, just everything that this journey has brought. I look at our son and I value him as a only a parent can value a child. But, it saddens me that the joy is tinged with the fact that infertility changed me in ways I am both thankful and resentful to the core for. So, I guess I answer the question of "worth" like this...

All of the persistence, all of the heartache, all of the tears and yes, all of the money, were paid for one thing. Hands down - it's not a baby. All of those things, the greatest debt we've ever known, were paid for something far, far more simple - they were paid for the chance to be normal - to just throw out all the crap that stands in the way and be like anyone else who ever wanted to parent a child. Should that chance have cost that much? That's debatable. What isn't debatable is that "worth" and a child should never be used in the same sentence.

We're now the parents of an amazing little boy. To us, that is simply priceless.

Privilege

2010-01-21T15:39:00.007-07:00

It has been a long time since I posted. There's not been much to post about. Life, outside of adoption, continues. I've tried to tune adoption out, but it's everywhere. I see it when I look at my friends. I see it when I go to the mall. I hear about it from the many newsgroups I belong to. And now, as the U.S. prepares to allow certain Haitian earthquake refugees into the country for the purposes of adoption, it's even more prominent.

Today I stumbled across the blog of a very angry adult Korean adoptee. She is upset at what she calls "adoption vultures" hovering around the rubble of Haiti before the dust has even settled. She's furious that black children are being adopted by white parents. She perceives that white privilege has reared its head in this, the most tragic of situations. I read her blog post with mixed emotions. She's partly right - in usual fashion, the U.S. has stepped in to be a "savior", where perhaps a lighter handed approach might have sufficed. Nonetheless, her post pissed me off, and now, we're both angry. I posted a comment to her blog, which she'll likely never publish. So I'm publishing it here.

"First off, let me be clear. I’m white. I’m not rich, I’m just white. I understand that no matter how much money I have or don’t have, my race makes me privileged. I don’t get to choose that part any more than you get to chose your racial heritage. I am adopting. It’s very possible I’ll be a parent to a child of another race. I don’t think I have a better home than a same-race parent. What I do think is that my home is better than no home at all. I KNOW that I will never understand what it’s like to be a non-white. I KNOW. It’s not my place to judge your anger. As a potential transracial parent, it’s my job to understand your anger. It’s my job to help a child find the resources they will likely need to deal with their anger at being adopted, transracially or not. That said, how you feel is a choice. How you choose to react to a given situation is up to you. How sad to read that you’ve judged me, when you don’t really know what my motivations are. I’m not evil because I’m a white person who wants to be an adoptive parent. I’m not naive. I’m not elitist. I’m not entitled. I do have a heart. And a home. And the means to parent a child who needs both. And I won’t apologize for that."

I'm fired up.

Support

2009-01-14T09:32:00.002-07:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and there's a variety of reasons for that, but this post isn't about me.

Our friends Donna and Joe are in China right now, adopting beautiful baby Lauren. They are having a tough time with attachment, and smiles have been precious but very hard to come by.

As incredible as adoption is, it's also incredibly difficult at times. You can follow their journey at http://www.waitingforlaurenelizabeth.blogspot.com/ - please head over to their blog and offer them up all the support you can. With love and friendship, all obstacles seem just a little bit easier to conquer.

Everything Has Changed

2008-11-05T12:18:00.003-07:00

It has been a long time since I've posted. There are lots of reasons for that, but probably the main one is that it's taking so f*ing long to get a referral that I've just kind of turned my back on adoption for a while. It seems easier, somehow (in a toddler's "you can't ignore me if I ignore you first" kind of way).

That said, this whole election thing has brought me out of my shell. Yesterday was a historic day - both for our country, and for our daughters. America voted in our first minority president. Why should our Chinese daughters care? Because as Caucasian parents, we can never understand what it's like to be not white. Like it or not, white privilege is a very real phenomenon. This election heralds change for all of us - both in our views on race as a country, and in the dreams of minority children everywhere. If an African American can become president, then why shouldn't a Chinese American be able to achieve anything she sets her mind to? Finally, the proof is in the pudding.

One other political soapbox to rant on from yesterday and then I'll step down again into my life of adoption denial...

Arkansas is out of it's mind. Yesterday, voters in AR passed Initiated Act 1 -- banning all non-married couples from adoption or foster care. This covers 'em all - co-habitating couples, straight or gay, from parenting adopted or foster kids. Hmm.....Let's pass a law that prevents willing folks from providing desperately needed homes to children just wanting to be loved. Makes a lot of sense to me....NOT.

Then again, pretty much nothing in this whole adoption thing makes sense to me right now.

Olympic Pride

2008-08-09T18:08:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was a big day for China. As the torch lit signifying the opening of the Beijing Olympic Games, China turned a corner. The world watched as the stereotypical Chinese regime incorporated an impressive display of solidarity, tradition, and hope for the future into what will likely be one of the most memorable opening ceremonies in the history of the Games.

I watched the opening ceremony with fellow waiting adoptive parents, some toting children already back home from China, and one Chinese National who recently immigrated here to the U.S. All of our faces were touched with pride as we watched, knowing that a tiny bit of China has already burrowed its way into each of our hearts, if not yet our homes.

So, it caught me by surprise to hear that some adoptive parents are "boycotting" the Olympics. Many of them are bitter that so much money, time, and media attention has been spent on something other than processing China's orphaned children through the system and into their waiting arms. I understand their feelings of hopelessness and frustration at a system that promised the hope of parenthood in approximately 18 months and now dangles 48 months as an elusive carrot.

Nonetheless, that kind of ire masks the wave of positive change the Olympics have brought to China, politically, socially and environmentally. I'm certain that the Games will cost me months (if not years) of additional time waiting for our referral. But, I'm also hopeful that the forward momentum initiated by these Olympics will carry through to the future of China and its children - a future that my daughter will eventually be born into.

I'm hopeful that in the spirit of the Olympic Games, those waiting parents can find a way to set their bitterness at China and the CCAA aside. At the end of the day, teaching our internationally adopted children to be proud of where they came from is the responsibility of every parent. If the LED scroll pages turning and the silk costumed dancers twirling and the 2008 tai chi performers swaying in perfect synchronicity didn't move you to feel the tiniest sense of pride that you get to be a part of it all some day - albeit a some day much further in the distance than you thought - then please step to the side now. It is a privilege to adopt one of China's daughters. May we honor it as such.

2008-07-02T00:04:00.002-07:00

OK, I'll say it. I hate pregnant people. Well, not really hate in the true sense of the word. More like an intense sort of envy that I am not proud of. And sometimes pregnancy - and envy - can interfere in otherwise perfectly healthy, happy friendships.

Case in point - I have a friend who's incredibly fertile. She's on her sixth baby, two of which have been born since we started trying to have a child. The funny thing about fertile people is that they never know how to act around folks who can't have children. I absolutely hate it when folks walk on eggshells around me just because pregnancy and my body can't find a way to get along. I don't have leprosy, I'm just infertile. News of your pregnancy won't kill me. Yes, I really am truly happy for you, even as I'm sad for me. I'll cry - just a little bit - on the day your child is born, wishing it could have been me in your place. And then I will happily celebrate your child's birth because I care about you just as much as I always have. Ah - but I'm off track - this post has taken a turn I had not intended -back to the story at hand...

My friend is cavalier about the whole pregnancy thing, which rankles me in a way I can't begin to explain. Over time, our friendship has dissolved under the weight of trust issues, distance, her lack of support of our adoption, and my envy. So, it caught me by surprise tonight when I stopped by her blog and saw that her family was weathering a tough time. After consultations with multiple doctors, her second youngest son has been given a unanimous diagnosis of autism.

Dealing with a special need on top of caring for six young children must be quite a struggle. So, tonight, I ask that you please send positive energy her direction. Hopefully now that their son has a definitive diagnosis, they can start down the road of research and treatment options. C., we pray that your little one finds the light within, again.

2008-06-11T22:05:00.002-07:00

I'm one of those people who generally doesn't feel old. Yes, I get creaks and aches and fine lines, but still, I try not to dwell on the fact that I'm getting older each year.

D. travels a lot, so at least one night a week I find myself spending time in my local yarn shop, weaving and talking to other weavers and knitters. I was discussing yarn with the daughter of another regular last night, and the topic turned to knitting children's sweaters. I mentioned that I had lots of suitable yarn, but no kids to dress up in handknit clothing.

With a straight face she turned to me and said, "well, at my age, it seems like everyone is falling pregnant and having kids." I stood there stunned, suddenly feeling older than I've felt in a long while. I still can't shake the image in my head of pregnancies falling down upon 19 year olds like manna from heaven.

Not knowing what to say, I mumbled that we're in the process of adopting. "Really, adoption?", she asked. "I was adopted...well, I grew up with my real mom. But my stepdad adopted me."

Now I feel old, and decidedly like an un-real mom. Yippee.

Our Nation's Capital

2008-05-04T23:55:00.011-07:00

I think, for the most part, Americans take living in America for granted. This was especially clear to me last weekend as we toured Washington, D.C. Even though we used to live in the area, I had forgotten how diverse the population in D.C. at any given moment can be - how varied the economic backgrounds, the skin tones, the languages spoken, the religions practiced - of all of the people who come to our capital to take in the sights.

I watched as tourists snapped photos of the monuments, school children poured off of buses into museums, and commuters read newspapers on the subway on their way to work. I felt an incredible sense of - well, pride - as hundreds of truckers held a rally, blaring their horns in protest of high gas prices. How honored I felt to be a part of a country where such demonstrations are allowed, even encouraged. Our daughter was very much on my mind as I stood in front of the White House, thinking of China and its seeming rigidity, of how lucky I am, and of how much I look forward to sharing America with our child.

After 13 years of being away, I felt a little trepidation on the flight back to D.C. I missed it terribly when we left, and it took years for me to start to appreciate the stark beauty of the Arizona desert. So, I was quite relieved when I got there and it felt a little bit like seeing an old boyfriend after many years of no contact. There's always that tiny still smoldering spark, but at the end of the day, you're glad you let them get away. I've grown to love the relaxed pace of the desert, the way the light falls at sunset, the ocotillos in bloom. And, while the city continues to beckon softly, I think of it now like a dear old friend I'd like to see again sometime.

There's nothing quite like springtime in bloom, though - here's a few photos of our trip:

These tulips were growing in a park.

This orchid was in the National Botanical Garden.

Believe it or not, these are regular metal and white paper clothes hangers - used as art. This exhibit was in the Hirschorn Museum, which houses an incredible collection of modern art.

Marina at Sunset

2008-04-22T09:10:00.004-07:00

D. took this picture of the San Diego marina at sunset this weekend. Being in San Diego always reinforces my desire to eventually live near the ocean (although not necessarily in San Diego).

Although we seem to be on a slow track towards moving, for now I'm thankful that the coast is just a short trip away. Seeing and hearing the tide roll in refreshes my spirit in a way that nothing else quite does. I can't wait until we can set our child on the sand and watch as she takes her first glimpse of the mighty sea.

Warming Trend

2008-04-16T13:53:00.005-07:00

Spring is definitely upon us - we've hit 90 degrees here in sunny AZ already.

We're still seeing ducks stop by for a dip in our swimming pool on a regular basis. Usually, it's a single male duck, sometimes two, and on occasion, a female duck also joins in the fun.

Three ducks swimming and quacking all at once really, really aggravate our cats. Who, in turn, aggravate the ducks. We're quite the happy zoo :-)

Not much else is going on here - all is quiet on the adoption front, so we planned a few trips to escape the early heat. I'm meeting D. in San Diego this weekend for a little R&R. I have been truly missing the ocean! Later this month, we're headed to a conference in Washington, D.C. We haven't been back to the D.C. area since moving from there to Arizona almost 13 (!) years ago. It will be interesting to see if we still miss it in reality like we do in our memories.

Next month we're off to New Mexico for a co-worker's wedding, and then in June we'll be going to Tampa for a weaving convention, which I'm super excited about (and which D. is being a trooper about). Lots to keep us busy - and keep our minds off of the wait!

Food for Thought

2008-03-25T17:25:00.001-07:00

I received the story below from one of my weaver friends. Never are these wise words more true in my life than now....

The Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all..

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Springtime

2008-03-20T14:26:00.003-07:00

Wow - it's been a long time since I've posted. I think I've subconsciously been avoiding it - something along the lines of "another month - no new news". Our only adoption-related achievement for the past month was to complete our home study renewal. We're now hoping to drag out the fingerprinting process as long as possible. In the back of my mind, I know we'll have to redo our paperwork a third time, but for now, I'm deluding myself into thinking that if we stall on the front side, maybe, just maybe, it will buy us enough time on the flip side to avoid filling out that flippin' I-600A form one more time.

Truthfully, this long wait has gotten to me, and I've had to check out of the adoption process for a little while to maintain my positive outlook on life. It just seems like becoming a parent shouldn't be this hard....

Thankfully, the sunny spring weather has brightened my spirits a bit lately. Even though the early warmth heralds the blistering summer to come, I'm still thankful for the season change. Everything just seems more doable in the springtime.

On that note, nothing says "spring" more than butterflies - here's a few shots we took at the Natural Science Museum in Houston, TX. They have an incredible butterfly exhibit - very worth the trip if you are ever in the Lone Star state. I also threw in a shot of the exhibit's resident iguana, who, while photogenic, is light on patience (which I found out firsthand when he took exception to me standing quite so close!)

D.'s mom is coming in town this weekend to celebrate Easter with us. We're hoping to spend some time hiking and enjoying this beautiful weather. I know many of my fellow waiting adoptive parents can relate when I say that our faith in adopting from China is being tested. May the spring sunshine bring renewed hope for all of us.

16 Months and Counting...

2008-02-26T23:23:00.005-07:00

Tomorrow, we'll have been waiting 16+ months to adopt from China.

Today, the "good luck" ducks that arrive for a dip in our swimming pool every year made themselves at home, more than a month early. Maybe, hopefully, it's a sign of positive news coming soon.

We could use some right about now...

7 Things Meme

2008-02-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

Took a cue from Daniella's blog and decided to participate in the 7 Weird/Strange Facts About Yourself meme. Here goes:

I have am funny about where I sit in a restaurant. I'm ok with being given the worst table in the place, as long as I don't have to sit with my back facing the door. And given a choice, I'll pick a booth every time.
I like going to concerts, and to date have been to at least 100 shows. I have flown across the country more than once to see a favorite band. I once painted a building in exchange for concert tickets. The first concert I ever saw by choice (I don't count a Neil Diamond show my parents dragged me to) was Prince. White carnations fell from the ceiling of the concert arena when he played Purple Rain.
I am not a big dog lover. However, most dogs absolutely LOVE me.
The job I wish I had that actually pays money: writer.
The job I wish I had that I wish paid money: artist.
My three biggest pet peeves about other people = people that can't drive, people that can't spell, and people who think that rules don't apply to them.
I'm a die-hard hockey fan (and my team actually has a shot at making the playoffs this season). Go Coyotes!

So, that's about it for me - consider yourself tagged!

Highs and Lows

2008-02-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've always been the sort of person who has a hyperactive conscience. From a very young age I was taught to make moral choices, never tell a lie, and most importantly, to stand up for the underdog.

So, that's how I was feeling when we were approached earlier this week with a possible foster / adopt opportunity. A family member of a friend was looking for someone to foster a baby born into an unfortunate situation, and thought of us. Our chance to be parents was suddenly - incredibly - right in front of us. In typical fashion, I barged into the situation with both feet wearing rose tinted glasses, intent on proving that we were the right family for this child in need of a loving home.

And then, my damn conscience had to step in. The family chose us to foster this baby....and we turned them down. In the interest of keeping the family's confidentiality, I can't share exactly why, but we decided we simply weren't comfortable with parts of the situation, and the right thing to do for us, but more importantly for the child, was to walk away, at least for now.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do and the right thing are the same. It has been a tough week.

XV

2008-01-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well, our 15 month anniversary of waiting for referral came and went this weekend. I didn't realize it until today (which should tell you how eventful I subconsciously felt it was).

Funny story about our recent home study visit - Derby, our normally very shy kitty, decided he had a crush on our social worker. He was insistent on being near her, going so far as to inquire (and not politely) if he could share her chair with her (which was a dining room chair - i.e., no room for an adult-sized rear and a cat intent on being petted). Frustrated that she wasn't paying him enough attention, he jumped onto her papers and started attacking her hair (which was flying around as she talked). I wanted to crawl under the table. It's a good thing she likes cats. So much for his shyness....here he is showing off for the camera....

His brother Demo was comparatively a little angel. He went and laid on our bed after saying a quick hello...

All in all, our home study update visit went well, medical appointments have been completed, and financial statements are done...hmmm...what's left? Ah, the cats need their shots updated, and we still have to get our fingerprints redone, other than that we're almost officially approved to adopt again. Funny how almost two years later it feels much the same as it did on day one...

Mopping It Up

2008-01-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm cleaning our house.

Not the 'tidy up, dust and sweep type' of cleaning. The 'can you eat off of the baseboards' type of cleaning.

Why? Because our social worker is coming for a visit to update our homestudy. Yes, our eligibility to adopt is about to expire. And even though it will expire again before we're all said and done, I just can't let it lapse. It's important to me to be able to adopt at any moment, even if our moment is still several years in the future.

So, I'm cleaning my house from top to bottom. Well, from top to...lower middle. I don't mop. I can perform pretty much any other type of housework, some of it quite well, but I don't mop.

When I first met D., we were working together at an ice cream parlor. Every night at closing, the shop floor involved two jobs to get it clean - one person had to get down on their hands and knees and scrape all of the chocolate bits and spilled ice cream off of the floor, while the second employee came behind them and mopped it all up. I used to cajole, trade duties, and sometimes bribe fellow employees to mop the floor for me when it was my turn. Needless to say, when you are 15 and trying to get someone to go out with you, D. did a lot of mopping. We got laminate wood floors earlier this year. Twenty-one years after we met, and D. still does a lot of mopping.

It's a good thing I'm an expert at folding laundry....

How Important is a Box?

2008-01-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

I always thought I'd see our referral date in it. I thought I'd print it out, save it for our daughter, maybe even put it in a scrapbook someday.

It's the infamous box.

For those who're not in the know about these things, the box was a source of information on the CCAA website that let us know each month what the referral cutoff date was, and what month the review room was on. Adoptive parents checked this box daily (and sometimes more often that that!), hoping for news that more LIDs had been referred, or that their file was finally in the clear.

Now the box looks like this:

China has again stepped in to stem the flow of public information to adoptive families. I am very thankful that my agency is generally forthcoming with accurate information about the state of adoption in China. That said, I can't help but be saddened that China feels the need to restrict yet another one of our lifelines to what the future might bring - - and when.

Finally, A New Year

2008-01-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

I, for one, am extremely glad it's a new year. 2007 felt like a roller coaster ride, in more ways than one.

I'm trying to start 2008 with a positive attitude (despite finding out today that the CCAA limped along this month, issuing a measly few days worth of referrals). I'm trying to remind myself that since we're going to be waiting a whole hell of a long time, I'd better start living life the best I know how in the meantime. Here's to cranking up the optimism and moving forward one day at a time....

On that note, our holiday trip to Texas was nice, although we were sick almost the entire time. I always love spending a little time with family - we don't get to see ours as often as we would like. My nephew, who's about to turn 4, is on a Spiderman kick. We spent a LOT of time pretending we had webs coming out of our hands. I can't wait until he's got a little cousin to play with (which will hopefully happen before he decides that playing with girls is "icky").

Next on our our plate is a trip to Portland, OR later this month to see if we can hack the rainy season there. We're both anxious for a move, so we're hoping we'll find home in the Pacific Northwest. It's a bit different from the everlasting sunshine of AZ, though, so we're tiptoeing into things at the moment. Not sure where we'll ultimately end up, but wanting to live close to water really narrows things down. I prefer the ocean, but am willing to consider lakefront, as well, if anyone has any affordable-ish suggestions.

Change is in the air, in this new year - I am hopeful that good things are headed our (and your) way!

An Early Present

2007-12-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before October 31, 2006.

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before December 14, 2005.

The True Meaning of Christmas

2007-12-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

The presents have been bought, wrapped, and shipped off to their final destinations. The bags are starting to be packed to accompany us to the Lone Star state, where we'll spend the holidays with our families, with friends, and with the memories of those we've lost.

I read the most moving blog post I've seen in a long time today. I sat and read and cried for longer than I care to admit. This post is a beautiful tribute about the power of family - a love letter between father and daughter - a reminder to us all to treasure the here and now. I saw a little bit of my own father in her post - both of the man he was, and the grandfather he could have been to our little girl. What a touching and timely reminder to celebrate moments shared, rather than mourn things missed.

Delusion

2007-12-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether to laugh, or to sob uncontrollably. I contacted an agency to ask about possibly switching programs recently, and got this as a response:

If I understand what you said correctly, you have a LID that is over one
year old. My understanding is that it is possible that you could get a
referral the end of 2008. Since the CCAA has a rule that the newest child
must be in the home for one year before you can receive a referral, it seems
that if you processed through the XXXXX program, you would need to put
the China program on hold.

I'm furious that there are still agencies out there selling the idea of quick referrals to clients. I'm even more furious that this is an agency with its own China program, so they should know better! I know there are financial considerations involved, but please - don't delude yourself or me that somehow the 43 weeks from now until October 27, 2006 are going to be referred out before the end of 2008. That would mean that the CCAA would have to start referring full months, which seems almost beyond the realm of possibility at this point.

I wish that the CCAA and our agencies understood one simple fact - all adoptive parents are looking for is the truth. If the wait is 1 year, 3 years, or 5 years, tell us that - we'll wrap our heads around it and make the appropriate decision for each of our families. It's the limbo that's changing us, binding us, hurting us. I turned to adoption partly to get off the "maybe someday, maybe never" train of infertility treatment. Ironically, I seem to have bought another ticket.

Book Meme

2007-12-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

I ran across this book meme, and thought I'd give it a go. Sometimes reading adoption books when we are so far out from receiving a referral is less than inspiring, so I'm trying to catch up on some old classics I haven't yet read. Consider yourself tagged!

Bold the ones you've read, italicise the ones you might read, leave the ones you won't, and underline the ones on your book shelf!

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
The Harry Potter Series - J. K. Rowling
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
1984 - George Orwell
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel García Márquez
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Neuromancer - William Gibson
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C. S. Lewis
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Dune - Frank Herbert
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
Where the Red Fern Grows - Wilson Rawls
The Light in the Forest - Conrad Richter

How many books do you have?

Wow - I have no idea. More than I can count (but hopefully not more than I can read someday). At least three bookshelves full, and some stacked in piles here and there.

What's the last book you read?

My Friend Leonard by James Frey - a semi autobiographical tale of living with addiction. An interesting, albeit controversial, read. I found myself wondering if I enjoyed the book more when I thought it was non-fiction, or when I found out it wasn't entirely an accurate account.

What’s the last book you bought?

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls - a non-fictional account of a woman who's parents were homeless by choice. I haven't read it yet, but I'm interested to understand what makes someone choose that kind of life for themselves and their families.

Five Meaningful Books

This is a tough one - narrowing my favorites down to five is nearly impossible. There are so many books I love in my ever-growing collection, but here's five that make me feel:

Into the Wild - I wish I were half as brave as Chris McCandless.
The Fountainhead - The imagery and detailed prose in the book are worth the inordinate amount of time it takes to read.
Where the Red Fern Grows - It makes me cry, every time.
Bridge to Terabithia - It reminds me that it's ok to believe in something you can't see.
Rebecca - Because I didn't see the twist coming....

Leave me a comment if you've got a favorite not on my list above - I'm always looking for a great read!

An Unconventional Thanksgiving

2007-11-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

We do it every year - eat and eat and drink until we've stuffed ourselves sick. It's a Thanksgiving tradition. This year, however, we decided to do something a little different. We cancelled our brunch reservations, and headed with D.'s mom into the mountains for a weekend of communing with nature.

First stop was Kartchner Caverns, about an hour south of Tucson. We've been wanting to go for ages, but tickets (and time) have proven elusive until now. Thanksgiving morning dawned cold and clear, and made for perfect driving weather. Touring the caverns was an incredible experience. It truly makes you think about the passage of time, and how small a blip we are in the cosmic scheme of things.

Our next stop was Mount Lemmon, which tops out at 9,000 feet, and offers a welcome respite from the desert heat. The drive up the mountain is truly beautiful - saguaro cactus at the bottom give way to aspens and pines as the elevation changes. The leaves have started to change colors, and it finally felt like fall in the crisp air.

Normally, it's about 20 degrees cooler on the top of Mount Lemmon than it is in the city. We were expecting it to be about 50 degrees up there, and dressed accordingly. Much to our surprise, it actually was 36 degrees on the top with a hefty breeze, and we froze. I'm so thankful that I had stuffed a hat into the truck (a leftover freebie from a hockey game), otherwise my ears would have frozen off. Nonetheless, we had fun hiking and taking lots of pictures of the scenery. It was a great day.

Somehow, spending Thanksgiving in nature (or really, any day in nature) breeds contemplation in me. I guess I feel small when faced with splendor all around me. I want to share all that this beautiful earth has to offer with our daughter. I want to see her dunk her fingers in a mountain stream and marvel at how cold snow runoff can be. I want to see her climb a boulder and beam proudly when she reaches the top. Somehow, this Thanksgiving, the wait for referral seemed possible. Nature takes her own sweet time, but the results can be spectacular.

Random Ramblings

2007-11-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning and my thoughts are in an agitated jumble....

After a nice lunch this weekend with friends Donna and Joe, and Nancy, Brian and their daughter Lily, we all went to a seminar on how to incorporate Chinese culture into our children's lives. It was an interesting discussion about the Chinese calendar, traditions, language, and education. It was also a lot of fun to see all of the beautiful Chinese children in tow - they are a tangible reminder of what we're waiting for. That said, I never feel so far away from becoming a parent as when I'm in a room full of families with kids.

Our dossier is in the review room. We know this because other folks with our agency who share our LID date have been asked for additional information. Unfortunately, they were questioned about items falling under the new rules, which we were led to believe wouldn't happen for dossiers logged in prior to May 1, 2007. Needless to say, we'll be very relieved when we make it past review, and are sending our positive energy to those folks who are scrambling to supply even more documentation that they are fit to parents.

We heard from our "partner in waiting" last week. Our agency assigns each family a staff member who checks in every so often to see how we're doing. Ours was candid enough to say that although the current wait for those just matched was 24 months - the wait would continue to grow and that she didn't know to how long. I was grateful for her honesty. I think if one more agency says that the wait is two years, I'm going to scream. That's like standing in front of a factory that has just burned down, then answering "We made $1 billion in profit last year" when asked for sales projections.

We're about to have to renew our paperwork. I've been putting it off. The mere thought of it makes me annoyed. Not only did we have to prove that we're suitable parent material once, but now we have to do it again. And all signs point to the fact that we'll have to do it a third time before all is said and done. It makes me crazy to know that all this time we're waiting, children who've been left behind are waiting, too.

Sometimes it just helps to write it all down. Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't in China, so we could move on to another program. Application forms have been on my desk for months. I just can't bring myself to sign them...

Irony

2007-11-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

We are almost 10 months out from our house fire earlier this year. Due to many circumstances, we're still awaiting payment on most of our insurance claim. Not the least of which is because one of our flaky contractors can't decide how much the bill is for. He called a couple of weeks ago and asked if we could sign off on an invoice that wasn't even close to correct. Needless to say, we said no, sent him a revised invoice, and haven't heard from him since.

So, it was kind of funny this morning to get a call from our insurance adjuster with some ironic news - our contractor has closed his doors. No wonder he seemed desperate for payment! What a roller coaster ride this has been. And, it's still not over - the window blinds that had been on back order came in damaged, and have been "being repaired" for the last two months. Sigh. I wonder if this place will ever feel like "home" again...

Little Things

2007-10-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

Wrapped up in referral dates, homestudy updates, and wondering when, when and more when?!! - I sometimes forget what it's all about.

Tonight, in my car driving home from picking up dinner, I got a reminder in the most unlikely of places. While I was waiting for the light to turn, a family standing on the street corner caught my eye. There was nothing particularly out of the ordinary about them - just a father and his two very young daughters waiting to cross the intersection.

As I watched, wondering to myself whether the girls were twins or not, an ordinary moment turned into one that warmed my heart. Responding to a tiny hand persistently tugging at his pant leg, the father reached down, picked up one of the little girls, and patiently held her up to the crossing light so that she could push the button. That finished, he gently set her down, scooped up her sister, and repeated the process all over again. Finally, the light turned, and the trio held hands, two sisters skipping on either side of a father clearly happy to just be out walking with his girls.

Sometimes it's the little things that restore your faith. Tonight was a reminder for me of what we are waiting for. And, a much needed lesson on appreciating the simple pleasures in life.

One Year

2007-10-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

It seems like it should feel like a monumental occasion. Maybe it is, and it just doesn't feel that way.

Today is the one year anniversary of our Log In Date. 365 days ago China acknowledged that we were on the list to become parents. How many days until that happens still remains anyone's guess.

So, instead of focusing on the long wait ahead, today I'm choosing to focus on what I've gained by waiting. Patience. A deepened sense of commitment. Perhaps most importantly, an unexpected gift - the dear friends I've made while waiting this wait. And for that, the 365 days have been worth it.

Careless Wishing

2007-10-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Casual friends of ours are adopting. We went to the same doctor for treatment, so they felt safe in sharing that they'd recently entered the world of paperwork, guesswork, and referrals. Choosing to go the domestic adoption route, they submitted their personal profile about a month ago, and hunkered down to wait.

And wait they did. All of two weeks for a referral.

I offered congratulations, smiles, and best wishes towards their potential match, all the while thinking "woe is me."

Over the weekend, our friends' birthmom went into labor. They joyously packed up their suitcases, flew to another state, and again hunkered down to wait.

And wait they did. Until a few hours after they got there, the birthmom made the heartwrenching decision to parent her child.

I know another match will come around for them. I know that in time, they'll not hurt as much as they do today. Nonetheless, as I look around at all of my adoptive friends who've hit the wall lately and are trying to pick themselves back up, I'm left with what's sadly become a most familiar question - why does adoption have to be so damn hard?

Infertility Moments in Time

2007-10-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

L. from my adoption group asked if I'd share my experience with infertility. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and I still don't know where to start.

On the surface, my history is marked with numbers - lots of numbers - all of them laden with possibilities:

11 treatment cycles
50+ appointments
6 physicians seen
3 biopsies
5 surgeries requiring general anesthesia
2 experimental treatments
365 days worth of twice daily injections
Out of pocket cost = tens of thousands of dollars
Insurance paid cost = hundreds of thousands of dollars
3 pregnancies
3 miscarriages

Perhaps it's about what happens when possibilities turn into improbabilities - becoming the 1% statistic detailed on the medicine packaging that everyone neglects to read:

Stage IV OHSS
30 nights in a hospital bed - 8 nights in an ICU bed
Internal bleeding
Clots, clots and more clots
Minor stroke
Major surgery

Maybe it's about the near death experience:

Yes, Dorothy, there is an Oz.

Maybe most importantly it's about this:

A well-respected reproductive endocrinologist responded to my note asking for one last consultation with a heartfelt note of her own, saying simply this: "Stop. You are lucky to still be alive."

Reading back over this so far - it's a fleeting snapshot - moments in time gone by. All this stuff above is what happened. But, I think for me - my infertility story is less about what happened, and more about how what happened changed me, in profound ways that are both good and bad, and are ultimately lasting and undeniable.

Those, my friend, are much, much harder to define. You asked me to share several days ago. I've been thinking about it - I still don't know where to start.

DTC One Year Ago

2007-10-06T23:19:00.001-07:00

Exactly one year ago, we were high-fiving each other at the Fed-Ex office, elated that we had made the 5:30 cut off for mailing out our dossier. How carefree that day seemed, how sure of ourselves we were that a child would soon be headed our direction...

What a difference a year makes.

365 days have passed, and our expectations have changed. Our outlooks have changed. Our patience level has changed. The one thing that hasn't changed is our desire to be parents. In 34 minutes, the clock will strike midnight here, and we'll embark upon another year of waiting. One down, two to go...

It's that time again....

2007-09-23T19:56:00.001-07:00

No, not referrals. I wish.

It's the start of the hockey season (hey, a girl's gotta get excited about something while waiting, right?). I got sucked into playing fantasy hockey this year, and we need a few more folks to complete our league. If you'd like to play, drop me an email and I'll send you a fantasy league invite....

Broken Record

2007-09-07T08:53:00.001-07:00

We've all heard it - you know, the one about where a tired, frustrated mom says to you, "If you really want children, you can have mine".

A dear infertile friend of mine was told this by a family member who said to her, "I wish I was broken like you - then I wouldn't have to worry about my kids anymore". On her behalf, I'd like to offer my own perspective on what the word "broken" really means:

Broken is an international system that holds children in orphanages longer than necessary for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which are politically motivated.

Broken is a U.S. system that makes it incredibly hard to adopt domestically without miles of red tape and a court system quick to side with the functioning uterus.

Broken is an agency who calls to see how we're doing during the wait, yet can offer not one shred of accurate information as to when we might receive a referral.

Broken are the eyes of my fellow adoptive friends who right now are getting a whole lot of waiting they didn't bargain for and not a whole lot of baby.

Broken are our sense of faith, our sense of time, and our trust as we try to wrap our heads around waiting at least another 2.5 years to adopt on top of the 5 years we've already spent trying to have a child.

So to that tired mom who so hurt my friend with her offhand banter, I ask you to rethink your position. Be grateful for the children you have, be gracious, and offer to lend some support rather than caustic commentary. With a little effort most things that are broken can be fixed, and right now, there's a whole lotta cracks to be mended.

2007-09-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who sent kind words and encouragement our way regarding our possible upcoming move.

I feel like I should explain my last post a bit...it's not that we're scared to move. In fact, we've lived in four states and six cities over the last 20 years, so we've done a fair bit of moving around. No, the hard part comes in when we start to think about the things we're giving up here. The friends we've met, the places we've imagined taking our daughter to, and the memories we've built here are hard to walk away from.

Neither of us consider the city where we grew up "home". Home to us is where you put down your roots on purpose. Even though we've tried our hardest not to settle too far down into this backdrop of cactus and urban sprawl, when faced with the decision to leave it seems a little bit more like "home" than either D or I had thought it would. We'll miss this place if we go.

A Change Will Do You Good

2007-09-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Even when it's welcome, change is still stressful. D is considering a job opportunity that would require relocation. It's a great job. We've been leaving Arizona since we got here. So, why is change still so hard?

Sorry to all who are waiting on me for responses to emails, blog work, etc. - things have been crazy here, and I imagine it will get a little crazier before too long as we work through the choices to come. Please send positive energy our direction that we make the right decision...

Just Like The Picture

2007-08-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

We're back. Actually, we've been back almost a week now, but I've been in denial.

The trip was everything we hoped it would be, and more. Please bear with this picture heavy post (I hope the photos convey even a fraction of the incredible beauty of the French Polynesian islands)...

Day #1 - The Hotel

This is a view of the sunset the first night from the balcony of our hotel room. Somehow we lucked out and got assigned a duplex room, which meant that we had two levels (living room/bathroom on ground floor, and bedroom/bathroom on the upper floor), and two balconies. Another unique aspect of the room was that it overlooked the outdoor bar a few floors below (you can see bar tables on the lower left hand corner of the below picture).

Good news = the island music was very, very good.

Bad news = the band played very, very late into the night.

Morning of Day #2 - The Roosters

For reasons I never quite got figured out, there are a TON of roosters in Tahiti. Chickens in general, really. One such hen, rooster and chicks family had taken up residence on the grounds of our hotel.

Good news = Growing up in a city, I've never been this close to a rooster outside of a zoo. The iridescence of a rooster's tail feathers glinting in the sunshine is quite beautiful.

Bad news = Roosters crow very, very early in the morning. I am not a morning person.

Days #1 - 10 - The Green

Tahiti is impossibly green, and flowers grow wild everywhere you look. For someone living in the desert, it was almost hard to take it all in. It reminded D & I how much we missed real trees, grass, and just the sheer lushness of a climate with rain....

Good news = We have enough pictures of verdant countryside, ginger and hibiscus blossoms to stave off the longing to live somewhere greener for a little while.

Bad news = We have palm trees in Phoenix, but nothing like these.

Day #4 - Sunrise on the Boat

The picture says it all - it doesn't get more beautiful that a sunrise over French Polynesia.

Good news = D got up to take this picture. Did I mention I don't do mornings?

Bad news = There was so much to do on the trip that sleeping in much past 7:30 a.m. was not an option.

Days #1 - 10 - The Water

I could post a zillion pictures just of the water. The water in Tahiti is incredibly clear, almost surreally so. We snorkeled, kayaked, rode Waverunners, swam, and generally spent every moment we weren't sight seeing in the water. Although we've seen some beautiful beaches before, the beaches of French Polynesia top our list by far for the most beautiful.

Good news = The water is so clear that you can see fish and corals standing on shore.

Bad news = A Tahitian lagoon is not a great place to be if you are at all leery about swimming elbow to elbow with ocean life. Thankfully, I am not squeamish about fish touching me.

Lastly - The Rainbows

Due to the fact that it rains (just a little bit) almost every day in Tahiti, rainbows are prevalent. We saw at least three full rainbows, and a few partials that were fading away. Below are pics from two different days.

It's all good news with a rainbow.

Usually, our adoption is at the forefront of my mind. It seems as though it's with me almost every waking moment in some way, influencing some future decision, or simply hanging out in my mind as a "someday" possibility. I was surprised at how well I was able to immerse myself in the trip and forget, just for a little while, that our lives are still waiting to change. It was more than a little overdue, and frankly, a welcome relief. Truly, a trip of a lifetime.

Paradise Regained

2007-07-22T12:10:00.001-07:00

In just a few short days, we're boarding a plane to a tropical island paradise. We've been planning this trip to Tahiti for the better part of two years, and it's finally, blissfully here!

Our plan is to spend twelve solid days downing fruity drinks while basking in the sunshine in celebration of our twenty year anniversary of ~~putting up with each other~~ being together. I don't know where the time has gone, but after the last five years of fertility fiascos, job changes and fires, we've earned this one!

May you all enjoy the next couple of weeks, and I'll post lots of pictures when we get back!

Whole Lotta Nothing Going On

2007-07-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yep, we're still waiting. It feels like forever, this waiting. Months and months go by and still we don't seem a drop closer.

So, in the meantime, since we just got a new digital camera, I leave you with pictures of our little guys. They are just now a year old - it seems like just yesterday they were small enough to hold in a single hand. If only the CCAA moved as fast as they grow....

Derby (who's sporting a summer haircut)

Demo (who's decidedly not as excited about getting his picture taken as his brother was)

I can't wait for the day when we get to take pictures of our daughter, instead of our animals!

I Will Never Be Chinese

2007-06-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

We went to see a foreign film last weekend called "Eve & the Fire Horse", written and directed by a Canadian Chinese filmmaker. I am an independent film buff, and although I am currently biased towards Chinese films, this is one of the better movies I've seen in a while. If it's not currently playing in your area, I believe it's coming out on DVD in July. The film chronicles a little girl's struggle to hold on to the time honored Eastern beliefs of her family while trying to fit in with her Catholic classmates. The movie offers a fascinating glimpse into the depth and beauty of Chinese traditions and superstitions passed down from generation to generation.

However, as I watched the film, I was freshly struck by the obvious - I will never be Chinese. Immersed in a crowd of mostly white movie-goers, I looked around me and wondered if my daughter will miss being Chinese, too. No matter how much research I put into it, I simply don't have the cultural background needed to truly help my daughter realize her Chinese heritage. Yes, I can teach her about festivals, dance rituals, and the beauty of Chinese music, but I can't ever really convey what it means to "be" Chinese.

I have read many stories of resentful adoptees feeling isolated and disconnected from their homelands as they reach adulthood. In a Q&A session after the movie, the director spoke of the disdain she felt from other Asians growing up, scorned because she didn't speak a Chinese language. How in the world will our daughter figure out who she really is when we are so Caucasian? People say adoption saves a child in need from an uncertain life of hardship and sorrow. Lately, a tiny voice in the back of my mind has been answering back "what if we're only causing more"?

May 19, 2007

2007-05-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even if it's a place you intended to be.

We found out today that one of our contractors was shot and killed while driving his car in broad daylight on a recent Saturday afternoon. The police are still investigating whether it was an act of road rage, random violence, or targeted activity.

He died two days before his 27th birthday. Just a week or two ago, he stood in my living room and excitedly told me all about the gift he'd bought his mom for Mother's Day. I remember thinking that his mom had raised a thoughtful son. Now, that son has been laid to rest.

I don't know what craziness must lurk within someone to make them pull a trigger on another human being. I don't know whether our contractor knew the shooter. What I do know is that life can change in a split second, and everything you thought you had could be lost.

Today, the crushing inconveniences brought by our house fire seem trivial. Today, the long wait for referral feels like nothing, because I am alive to wait. Today, my wanting, and longing and wishing for things I can't seem to reach, has faded. Today, I am simply thankful for the people I love, and it is enough.

Re-

2007-05-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

Reproductive endocrinologist
Remodeling

One shared prefix - two seemingly dissimilar words - so much in common.

Involvement with either gets your hopes up for a positive outcome.
Both involve more money than you ever thought you would spend on things you cannot see.
You wait, and wait, and wait, and then hurry up to do some stuff, then wait, and wait and wait again.
Life as you knew it ceases to be as you focus on the process at hand.
Even your strongest relationships will be taxed.
Nothing goes exactly as you planned the first time around (as predicted by the aforementioned prefix).
Most importantly, you might get what you want in the end. However, luck must be on your side.

I've never been all that lucky. Nonetheless, after four long months of remodeling, we're back in our house as I type this post. And thankfully, with a better end result than we got after spending four long years with our RE.

Thanks to all who supported us during this trying time - your love and friendship make me feel blessed, indeed.

Two Days

2007-04-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents
registered with our office before March 31, 2006.
The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before October 26, 2005.

The CCAA only processed 2 days of referral dates this month. This is the fewest number of dates processed that anyone seems to be able to remember.

There are still 366 days until the CCAA processes our LID date of October 27,2006.

At 2 days of LIDs processed per month, and over a year of dates still to go, well - you do the math. I'm too sad to do it myself.

Timeliness

2007-04-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, there were ducks in our swimming pool. This is notable because the last time we had ducks in our swimming pool was a year ago.

Exactly a year ago. To the day.

In the past, the ducks have had a way of heralding good things to come. Shortly after their tiny webbed feet toured our backyard, we received notification that our adoption application had been approved.

Exactly a year ago. To the day.

I can hardly believe it's been a year since we left the ranks of "thinking about adopting" (albeit nearly every minute) to actually doing it. The milestone would likely have passed me by without a feathered reminder sunning itself by the diving board. I remain hopeful (i.e., despite logical expectations/predictive statistical trends/3rd grade math), that next year's visit from our neighborhood Mallards will bring word of our referral quacking from welcome beaks.

Threads and Plastic

2007-03-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

So, last weekend I went shopping with several other waiting mommas. Laura, Donna, and Nancy (with her precious daughter Lily), and I braved the Saturday craziness of our local outlet mall in search of baby bargains. To give you an idea of our shopping prowess, we spent several hours at the mall, and only made it through about six stores.

Embroidered sweaters, ribboned tank tops and ruffled bloomers hanging from tiny hangers beckoned to me invitingly. Shiny plastic toys gleamed on shelves with the promise of future laughter. Yet somehow, surrounded by an excess of adorable options, I find myself emotionally unable to buy...anything.

This month will mark a year since we started the adoption process in earnest, and five years since we started try to have a child. Sadly, with the current lengthening wait for a referral, all signs point to at least two more years to go. I can't buy jumpers and sleepers and hair barrettes when it feels like this may never happen. I want to - oh how I want to believe and pretend and have faith that in the end this will all be a distant memory as I hold my Chinese daughter in my arms. But for now, as I struggle with the concept of "someday", those tangible markers of a distant dream are better left to someone who needs them a little sooner than I will.

The Magic of Pressed Wood Fibers

2007-03-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

We finally are official - the mystical "brown envelope" came today from Guangzhou. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this document, the envelope contains all the information and forms we need to get a Consulate appointment and a visa for our new daughter to be. It's now just a matter of time until we get to bring over one new little life to set up shop here in the U S of A.

For whatever reason, not everyone receives the brown envelope, and no one seems to know why some families do and some don't. It's kind of one of those things that isn't really a big deal - families that don't receive envelopes still receive Consulate appointments, but somehow actually opening the mailbox to see official government correspondence sent from China just makes me feel that much closer to bringing our daughter home.

What's ironic is the fact that the wait has extended so long, we may receive a second brown envelope a year or so from now. Yep, we may get to experience this phenomenon twice. But for now, I'm going to just be happy we're one step further along than we were yesterday (and remain in denial about the wait)!

New Month, Same Story

2007-03-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. We're still hanging out in our temporary housing, wondering if we'll ever get to move back home. Although the contractors started working, it's been slow going, and most of what they've completed has been done incorrectly. The wrong faucets were installed, the holes for lighting were cut in the wrong place, and painting errors were made. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated? Although we were hoping to get back into our house by the end of March, at this point it's looking like we'll be well into April by the time it's all finished.

In other news - I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has sent quilt squares our direction. I'm woefully behind on updating my 100GWQ blog, since I was planning on taking pictures of each squish with the new digital camera I was in the process of buying when the fire happened. Unfortunately, it hasn't been bought yet and my camera phone just doesn't do the beautiful fabrics and wishes we've received justice.

Lastly, I'm looking forward to the upcoming Disney Summit trip with other waiting adoptive mommas (and friends). I'm really looking forward to getting to meet everyone who's going to attend. I'm also excited about going to Disneyland - I've been to Disneyworld in Florida, but this will be my first jaunt through the California version of the Magic Kingdom. I'm not a big roller coaster rider, but just being among the Disney characters and lights and music is enough to make me feel like a kid again.

Oh, and one more thing. Our friend Michele is in China right now, about to meet her new daughter. She's journaling her experiences in China at My Baby Ava. Congratulations, Michele - The moment you've waited for is now only a few moments away!

One Month Later

2007-02-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I am slowly unraveling. Living in furnished temporary housing is much, much harder than I thought it would be. It feels really odd to be laying on someone else's sofa, eating off their dishes and sweeping their floor. It's better than a hotel, but not by much. So far, the dryer has broken down, the television no longer works, and we've nearly locked ourselves out more than once due to a faulty door lock. Sigh.

A bit of good news - the remediation service finished their side of things, and our contractors started work today. It was such a relief to see them start tearing out all of the burned carpet and drywall. It's almost as if with each smoky piece they carry away, they take a little bit of residual fear with them. I'll be so happy when they are all done and we get to move into our house again. Being responsible for two homes that are on opposite sides of the city from each other is wearing on me. But enough whining from me - tomorrow is a new day.

The Aftermath

2007-02-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since I stepped into our house to find it swirling with ashes and smoke. It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that what was essentially a very small fire has caused such an uproar in our lives. I still shudder every time I think about the fire inspector telling me that if I'd arrived home minutes later, everything we owned would have been gone. I am so thankful - we were very, very lucky to have escaped with only a few rooms of damage.

At this point we've secured temporary housing, and are hoping that we'll be able to get back into our house in a month or so. It is a very surreal feeling to watch folks in haz mat bunny suits sifting through your stuff determining what should be saved and what should be deemed "non-salvageable". I'm trying not to think too much about the stuff we've lost.

I do want to say a giant THANK YOU for the outpouring of support from each and every one of you who commented and sent emails about my last post. It really helped to know you were out there thinking about us during this rough time. And to Dee, if you are reading, I don't think you can really know what this is like until you've been there. I'm so sorry you have, and if I can help, just ask.

Reason #587

2007-01-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

I knew there was a reason I've been stalling get started on our daughter's nursery. I haven't been able to quite put my finger on it, but assumed it's the wait, the uncertainty, the "is this really going to happen"-ness of the situation.

But, a few days ago, it became something more. I came from from runninng errands to a house on fire. The fire started in our master bedroom (a total loss), and smoke damaged the rest of the house. We lost everything we'd purchased for the nursery to date (except the crib bedding which was saved by the industrial strength plastic bag it was stored in), as well as all the beautiful gifts we'd been given for our little one (and to my Tea Monkey secret pal - if you are reading this your January gift is currently several shades of black. I'll be buying you a new one).

Standing in the smoke in the aftermath, I was freshly reminded that it's not the stuff that's important. We're safe, our cats are safe, most of our house is still standing and our I-171H was mercifully in a fireproof cabinet. We'll rebuild and move on. It could have been much, much worse. I guess right now the wait is a blessing in disguise - we'll have plenty of time to put the house back together before welcoming our child through its doors.

Stress Relief

2007-01-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something to pass away the days as we wait for referral. Give it a try - it's surprisingly addictive....

A New Family Is Born

2007-01-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

Our friends Nancy and Brian are traveling early tomorrow morning to meet their little girl Lily. Check out their blog to follow along in their journey.

Godspeed, my friends. May the experiences you share with each other and your new daughter, both on this trip and in the years to come, bring you the utmost joy. Safe travels.

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

Another year gone by.....

Ah, to be closer than I feel at this very moment - how precious that would be. But, alas, as of yet there are still many footsteps to fall...

So, to those families-to-be who are still waiting tonight - in a few hours another year begins, a tangible event to mark off the calendar, a shift to things that are freshly new again - may we find the strength to wait together.

Here's wishing a happy new year to everyone!

Hope Reborn

2006-12-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

This whole adoption thing gets me down some times. It's a lot of hurrying up to wait, of feeling like it will never happen, of continually having to renew your faith that it will even in the worst of circumstances.

Over the past five years, a near death experience, weeks and weeks of hospitalization, loss after loss, and lingering complications from infertility treatment have left me medically and emotionally....well.....fragile seems appropriate. It's only been in the last couple of years that I've found the strength to move forward with adoption with my whole heart.

But, as much as I've struggled, I know that there are women out there who've been through more than me in their quest to have children. And a few days ago, one of them told me that she's decided to adopt. And in fact, had decided some months ago, but was keeping the news to herself until she got a referral and felt confident that her adoption was really going to happen. I can totally relate to the fact that she's faced too many heartaches and setbacks to just believe blindly.

For each and every one of us facing adoption, hope starts to trickle in from the moment we first send in our applications. We fall in love with things most people can't understand - a promise of parenthood, a face in a photo, the idea of belonging - to the child, to the adoption community, to our child's culture, and we finally start to become whole again.

So, to L* today, if you are reading my blog, know that your time has finally come. You'll not forget, but you will heal. And the the hope gained through adoption will pave the way. Lastly, thank you for refilling my well of faith that you didn't know had run dry. Funny how adoption brings with it a renewable supply.

Paradox

2006-12-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

par·a·dox (păr'ə-dŏks') n.

A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.

It's been talked about, both openly and in frightened whispers , and camps have firmly been pitched on both sides of the fence for months. Sadly, the optimistic side has lost.

In the supposed interest of improving the fate of China's future adopted children, the CCAA has finally issued new criteria for potential parents hoping to adopt from China, effective May 2007.

I'm pissed.

Not that I think that China shouldn't have a say in who adopts it's children. I do. Or that I think that the rules are invalid or discriminatory. I don't.

No, I'm pissed that once again we have to submit to someone else's idea of what makes us worthy parents. We've undergone more than most to come this far, and have made peace with parenting choices that many won't even consider. And yet, as of May 2007, we are no longer good enough to adopt from China - unfortunately, we don't meet all of the new criteria. Any hope we may have had of adopting a sibling for our daughter from her homeland is now dashed.

At this point, all signs for our current adoption are pointing to one saving grace - dossiers logged in by May 2007 will likely not be subject to the new regulations. However, I'm concerned that our dossier probably won't have made it through the review room prior to that time. And, until it passes review, we're still standing on the battle line, waiting to get shot down. There are rumors swirling that dossiers not yet clearing the review room will go through a "soft" application of the new rules in the months leading up to May 2007. Where does this leave us? I don't know.

China is trying to do right by its children. What a crappy paradox it is.

Referrals are In

2006-12-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

The CCAA has processed referrals through September 8, 2005. This month is especially significant because our friends Nancy and Brian received their referral for their beautiful daughter, Lily.

Stop by their blog to see a photo of their precious little girl. Congratulations, my friends - you will make wonderful parents!! We are so excited for you!

Truth

2006-11-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

There are days that I manage to stay away from it. And then there are days when it draws me in like bees swarming around a watermelon at a summer picnic - sweet, forbidden, and a little bit menacing.

I'm talking about Rumor Queen's website. She posts rumors about what's happening at the CCAA, the wait, referral cutoff dates, etc. Some of it's hogwash (as is the nature of all rumors - only some of them have merit).

Today, however, it's all true. Please take a moment to read her post on attaching in adoption. As much as we don't like to talk about it, that precious moment when we meet our children for the first time is terrifying to them beyond belief. Even though you've been dreaming of and waiting for your child for years before you see their face for the first time, you've had those years to get used to the idea of them. Your child, on the other hand, has the reality of you forced upon them in a incomprehensible instant, and sees you as, at best, a benevolent complete stranger, and at worst, a tyrant ripping them away from everything they've ever known.

We have a responsibility to these children we transport halfway across the world as our own. It's not their job to live up to our expectations of what they should be like in each of our personal versions of happily ever after. Instead, it's our job to educate ourselves about the losses they've been through, and will continue to go through as they grow older, so that we can offer solace and safety in a loving environment, knowing that we won't ever be able to fully negate their rough beginnings.

Please read about attachment before you travel to meet your child. Be prepared to meet the child they already are, as opposed to the child you thought they'd be. Attachment takes time, dedication, and more than a fair amount of patience. Although a beautiful start, love alone is not enough.

100 Good Wishes Quilt

2006-10-31T00:22:00.000-07:00

Yep, we're jumping in. A little like lemmings, I guess, but we've decided to follow in the footsteps of many other families adopting from China, and create a 100 Good Wishes Quilt for our daughter to be.

Stop on over to my new 100 Good Wishes Quilt blog, and if you'd like to swap squares, drop me an email or post a comment and let me know!

LID News!!!

2006-10-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

No more waiting in line, to wait - we now have our LID - 10/27/06!!!

Finally, we are queued up for a referral, and each day brings us closer to our little girl.

It feels good. Real good.

Material Girl

2006-10-23T23:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of folks are up in arms over this whole Madonna adoption thing. If you haven't been keeping up on it, here's the scoop: Madonna intended to adopt a 1 year old boy from Malawi. The hitch? The country allegedly expedited the adoption - waiving requirements like a period of local residency - supposedly due to Madonna's notoriety. The result? Many adoptive families are angered and have publicly expressed their outrage over their perception that Madonna "cut" in line.

Frustrated by lengthening waits to adopt, the backlash from international adoptive families has grown, escalating day by day as families find a way to come to terms with this slight of celebrity. The ironic thing is that there really wasn't a "line" to cut in - adoptions from Malawi are rarity, with only three visas granted to Malawian orphans last year.

I have mixed feelings about the fervor over Madonna's decision to adopt. In fact, I'm not really sure what all the commotion is about. Is it the fact that she may have circumvented the system that's the issue? Or is it simply an objection to celebrities toting adoptive babies like handbags that have people squirming? She's a woman who wants to provide a home to a baby who needs one. If she gets her baby sooner than I do, do I have the right to judge whether that child stays in an orphanage or joins a family sooner due to superstar connections? I'm still grappling with that one...

Now the child's father says he didn't really know what the word "adoption" meant. Articles around the world reported today that the father intended for Madonna to raise the child on his behalf until he reached adulthood, but not as "her own". As heartbreaking as this misunderstanding is for all parties involved, there is some good coming out of it. It's about time that media sources acknowledge the fact that adoptive children are a family's "own" children just as if they'd birthed them. And if takes Madonna, the father, and a child halfway around the world to get the nation talking about the crazy wonderful lifetime commitment it takes to become an adoptive parent, then I have some thanking to do to the Material Girl.

In Suspense

2006-10-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful weekend. Saturday, we got to meet a waiting family from our October2006 DTC group in town for the weekend from Oregon - Pam, Aaron, Noah, Michael and Calvin. We had a great time getting to know them over dinner and ice cream. On Sunday, we had lunch with a family who just got their referral - and to their surprise (and joy), it's twins! Check out their cute pictures of Jadyn and Jenna!

Although we had a a lot of fun all around, the best part of the weekend was yet to come. In fact, it didn't arrive until today, just in time to brighten up a tough Monday morning....

The news that we're finally DTC is shining like a beacon amongst emails of SPAM, work stuff and more Yahoo groups than I care to admit I belong to. Evidently our dossier was sent out late Friday afternoon, and was received by the CCAA this morning! Ah, it feels good. It's finally time to celebrate (and hope for a speedy LID)!

In Translation

2006-10-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

We're done.

After paperchasing for nearly six months, we can now say we've done everything humanly possible to make this adoption happen, and at last it's in someone else's hands. Our dossier has passed critical review and has moved on to translation!

Although I'm inclined to shout the news from the rooftops for everyone to hear and share in our joy (and relief!), in many ways reaching this milestone seems quite anti-climatic. Maybe it's because I know there is still a long row to hoe before we bring our daughter home. Our dossier will be in translation for less than a week, and then it will be sent to China to be logged in. Thanks to all who have supported us this far...dig in your heels....we're bunkering down for a long wait ahead.

How '007 Of Us

2006-09-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

So, we raced around yesterday making copies and getting documents notarized, all in a mad rush to make it downtown in time to have our documents certified by the Secretary of State before they closed. Add to that another frantic trip to Kinkos for yet more copies, the millionth fine-toothed combing of the whole shebang, and back into the car for the last minute dash to the Fed Ex office that closes at 6:15 p.m.

Or so we thought.

......for the last minute dash to the Fed Ex office that actually closes at 5:45 p.m.

We arrived there at 5:47, only to see the clerk firmly locking the door. Anguish ensued as I thought about waiting another day, about rescheduling the courier I'd just booked for the next morning, about going home with that damn envelope in my hand again.

So, just like a sad puppy peering through a window, I smushed my nose up to the glass and knocked...a little begging later and the reluctant clerk told us to drop our precious package into the drop box outside. The drop box which clearly stated that the last collection had already been made. Back to the window I went. More groveling, and the clerk assured me that if I just dropped the package into the box, she'd collect it and get it out before she left. Since that sleeve of cardboard contained all of my tears, dreams, and sweat equity of the last five months, entrusting it's collection to a clerk anxious to go home wasn't high on my list.

Armed with no alternate choices, we dropped the package. And then got back into the car, drove around the parking lot, and parked partially hidden behind a giant SUV to spy on the box. And waited. Fifteen minutes passed before, like a heavenly apparition, the clerk unlocked the door, floated over to the drop box, and collected our package. Feeling better for our sleuthing success, we went for dinner. Ice cream has never tasted so good.

I-171 H Arrival!!

2006-09-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

After much waiting, we finally received our I-171H form this past Friday.

D. brought in the mail yesterday all nonchalant like...stood in the kitchen like nothing important happened while he opened junk mail, tossed envelopes, sorted bills, then turned to me and said, "So, do you think that they'd send such a big envelope to tell us our fingerprints didn't pass"? with a giant grin on his face......I don't know how he kept a straight face all that time. I would have been shouting from the rooftops (which I did as soon as he filled me in)! In a serendipitous twist of fate, after we went out to dinner on Friday my car wouldn't start and had to be towed to a repair shop. Lucky us, it broke down within walking distance of a bar. Since we had to take a cab home anyway, we decided to make the most of the opportunity - after all, a celebration was definitely in order!!

Today was spent in a mad rush getting documents notarized, copied and ready for a trip downtown for certification tomorrow. It feels so good to know that after all these months, we are truly almost done paperchasing!

Musings on the Wait

2006-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Jessica to post 10 ways to stay positive and pass the time during our adoption wait. I have to say that it's been hard to be positive when we aren't even officially "waiting" yet, so this tag prompted me to really think about how we're going to spend the next year or so.

1. Read up on attachment/adoption issues and child development. Having never been a parent, I have no idea what to expect in terms of normal behavior for our daughter, and how to tell when more specialized help is needed. Also, I guess finally learning to change a diaper is in order.

2. Continue pursuing my hobbies while I still have time and real estate. Ponder paring down said hobbies to make room for miles of brightly colored plastic toys. Decide how to incorporate looms and dollhouses in the same square foot of space.

3. Decide where I'm going to put all of my stained glass equipment to make room for a nursery. Wonder if the vintage method of utilizing a dresser drawer as a crib constitutes child abuse.

4. Work on a lifebook for our daughter. Michelle inspired me with her beautiful digital scrapbooking pages (and the scrapbooking supplies I bought at the last convention really, really need to see the light of day).

5. Collect quilt squares for a 100 Wishes Quilt. Yay! Another hobby!

6. Decide where we'd like to move. Our house is teeny, and with three cats and a new daughter, I think it will feel even teenier as soon as we get back from China.

7. Travel while road trips are still enjoyable. (and to facilitate 5. above.)

8. Participate in DTC/LID activities. Getting to know other adoptive families has been a huge source of support and friendship for us.

9. Enjoy the anticipation and count down to the moment ahead, rather than counting up all the days still to come. Live, rather than wait, this next year away.

10. Saved the best for last - the nursery!

Spit and Giggles

2006-09-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Check out this video clip over at Lily and Kate, forwarded on by Rebecca of my DTC group (yes, I know - no DTC date yet, but we're confident that our dossier will be completed this month (barring another snafu with USCIS).

Just a little reminder that the best times in life are those that make us laugh.....at ourselves.

DMV Redux

2006-08-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

Day after day after day has ticked by with us hearing nothing from USCIS regarding our file. Is it complete? Were we not-so-patiently waiting only to get another misinformed letter dictating unnecessary corrections to our paperwork?

After yesterday's mail revealed another fruitless day of waiting, I couldn't stand it anymore. I dug deep in my email where I had stored the most precious of info offered up by another frustrated adoptive parent - an actual, real telephone number to the person I needed to talk to at USCIS. The fates must have aligned just right at the moment D. dialed, because he got her on the phone. On the first try. And she had .... no.... idea.... where our paperwork was - she never received it from the flunky I spoke with a week ago. So, D. conferenced me in and I answered her questions - who did I leave it with? what did she look like? what time was I there? and so on...She then commented matter-of-factly that our paperwork should never have been sent back to us in the first place, because, the rest of it was stamped "Paid" . Fast forward to today...the paperwork has been found, and a fingerprint appointment has finally been assigned.

Where was it, you ask? In a bin. On the flunky's desk. Waiting to go upstairs. With one other piece of paper from another file. And the flunky doesn't walk upstairs with the papers until the bin gets full. Completely full. Who would have thought that a few flights of stairs would grind our adoption to a screeching halt?

Just Like DMV

2006-08-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

After rushing around in an effort to mail our home study last week to USCIS, we received it back a record two days later with a note indicating that we had included the wrong fee amount. Which was impossible, because we hadn't included a fee at all. USCIS had cashed our check for the fee (in the correct amount!) almost four months ago when our file was originally opened. So, this morning I had to pay a visit to our local USCIS office. No phone. No water. No knitting needles, either. I don't know if it was due to the recent terrorist threats, or if security is always that tight at an immigration office, but I was searched twice for illicit items before even entering the building.

I think they recruit USCIS workers from the DMV. I got up to the window and showed the worker the letter that had accompanied the return of our paperwork. She flipped through the pages once, then twice, then a third time and said - you included the wrong fee. I explained the situation and showed her a copy of the canceled check. She flipped through the papers yet again as if they were tarot cards, and told me to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later she comes back and says that she'll pass my file onto someone with a clue. That person, of course, wasn't in the office, and no - she can't tell me what her hours are. Or if my file is complete. Or give me a fingerprint appointment. Or tell me when I might hear from someone. Or smile.

Sigh.

Week What?

2006-08-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

Whew. We finally got our home study report back from the court, approved! Now we are officially licensed to adopt in the state of Arizona. All of the failed ttc, fertility treatment, and surrogacy attempts have brought us to this piece of paper telling us we're fit to be parents. It's funny what it takes to feel validated.

In the next day or so, I'll send in our home study to USCIS so we can begin the next wait for our immigration fingerprint appointment, and then the coveted I-171H form. Once that form arrives, we can get all of our paperwork authenticated, and send it to our agency for review. And that's it folks - barring errors, we'll be officially waiting. For a projected couple of years, but waiting nonetheless. We're on our way...

Strength in Numbers

2006-07-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons we chose to adopt from China was the sheer number of parents who have BTDT - almost 8,000 Chinese children were adopted into the U.S. last year. There are other adoptive families with children from China in our area, and we are hopeful our program choice will allow our daughter the opportunity to make friends, just like her.

I recently joined our agency's August/September DTC yahoo group (pray USCIS cooperates!). Joining the group was a big emotional step for me - it seems as though "meeting" folks we may travel with to pick up our real live child raises the stakes, somehow. It feels wonderful, though, to share experiences with folks who are actually walking in the very same shoes we are. I look forward to getting to more involved with the group over the months to come.

Another welcome addition to our lives has been our local FCC group, which has provided us with a wealth of information, unfailing support and ultimately, friendship. Last weekend, a group of Waiting Families got together after our monthly FCC meeting and talked and laughed and simply enjoyed each other's company, feeling comfortable both in our childlessness and our quest to become adoptive parents. (Thanks, Donna for taking this wonderful picture of all of us!)

When deciding to adopt, we knew that after a long wait, we'd be gaining a child. We've since discovered that it's more than that...that same long wait has led us to something else unexpected and very special - friends, just like us.

The Wait

2006-07-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've neglected this blog lately because of a lack of motivation to face the long wait ahead. It's as if to write it down gives credence to the fact that our referral is, at this point, up to two years away. I'm in denial.

Our paperwork isn't even finished yet and still the wait bears down like an an elephant on my shoulders. I need a snippet of patience, and a new milestone to be met, however small, to carry me through. We are currently awaiting certification from our state to move forward with the rest of our paperwork, which we'll hopefully receive by the end of this month. Perhaps then this lagging limbo will begin to lift and allow us to proceed.

Secret Pal Gift

On a positive note, a little glimmer of support shimmered its way onto my doorstep yesterday. An incredible gift from my knittyboard.com Secret Pal arrived, resplendent with a theme of "Mother's Day". Along with gorgeous merino yarn (after all, it is a knitting swap!), the box contained items chosen with motherhood in mind. A little plush lamb to comfort our daughter-to-be nestled amongst the skeins, accompanied by an adoption book I've been wanting to read for a very long time. Items to keep my hands soft and cuddly included Burt's Bees hand cream and a nifty four-sided nail file. The box also harbored a sampler box of sanity - chocolate (which miraculously arrived intact despite the heat!)

Lastly, inside the package was a very special treat - a heart-shaped wishing box. My pal filled it with her personal wish for our family, and left plenty of room for us to sprinkle the seeds of our own hopes and dreams. Pal, the wish you expressed will be treasured and nurtured forever. Thank you so very much - what an incredibly thoughtful gift!

The Carousel

2006-06-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Carousel riders are presented with a decision the moment they board the ride - which fanciful mount to choose? An elephant? A unicorn? Maybe the horse with the purple ribbons woven in its tail? Sometimes, the animal you are dying to ride on gets taken by someone else a mere moment before you stake your claim to it - and as you spin around desperate to make a new perfect choice in just an instant, you find it - the ideal mount waiting for you on the other side, different than you thought you wanted, but wholly perfect, nonetheless.

Such is the case with adoption. Referrals for this month were released earlier this week. Among the hundreds of referrals for little girls were several referrals for little boys. Now, normally this is unremarkable, as boys are referred every month on a regular basis. Not many, but it is a regular occurrence. What was unusual about these particular boy referrals was that their parents had specifically asked for girls. Rooms were decorated, names were chosen, and clothes had been purchased, yet with a sudden, creaking, lurching start...the carousel ride began. And the decision begins anew - enjoy the ride, or relinquish your mount.

Are Baby Clothes Like Rabbits?

2006-06-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was 'Margarita Night' at our house. Two other waiting families from our local FCC group Donna & Joe, and Nancy & Brian came over for swimming and a Mexican dinner. Nancy brought the most wonderful jalapeno dip and homemade salsa for munching on. Donna brought caramel nut brownies, and something totally against the rules.....

Donna and Nancy have been trying hard to cajole me into buying something wonderfully cute for our daughter, but so far I've been able to keep to our self-imposed buying moratorium. So, Donna bought me something wonderfully cute herself to sow the seeds of retail temptation. Behold, our daughter's first summer outfit - a tiny dress adorned with flowers and frills in shades of peach, cream and sage. Donna, it's the perfect beginning to our daughter's wardrobe!!

Shades of Coral and White

2006-06-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

We've waited an awfully long time to buy baby stuff. Decorating a nursery and stocking the closet are some of the fun parts about waiting for a child, whether it be through birth or adoption. For the last few years, we've window shopped in countless baby stores and researched child products galore, but never had we any occasion to actually purchase something. In fact, in order not to jinx ourselves, we promised each other that we wouldn't buy so much as a teeny tiny t-shirt or even a stuffed giraffe until we knew we were well on our way to becoming parents.

Nonetheless, baby supplies have started to trickle into our household little by little. My sister-in-law gifted us with the crib my beloved nephew deemed himself too good to ever sleep in. The crisp white slats stand at attention in the garage, waiting to be assembled. My SP6 pal Sarah generously donated a stroller now outgrown to our cause. I felt somewhat like a fraud as I wheeled it away and stuffed it in my car's trunk, all the while sensing the strangest glimmer of motherhood, the promise of "someday" hanging heavily in the air.

Intellectually, I know there will come a time when I'll have to take off my comfy DINK hat and break in an itchy new one that screams "mommy". Emotionally, amidst the trials and failures and waits and doubt, I've had a hard time believing it's actually going to happen. At last, in a clutching effort to anchor myself to an end result that too often seems just out of reach, I bought something. Amazingly, it is not the paperwork we're nearing the end of, or the people that we've told our plans to, or even the act of deciding to adopt that did it. Somehow, some way, it's the act of buying that first item, of transitioning from a window shopper to a woman who most assuredly has a reason to purchase crib bedding, that has finally made me believe.

Week 13 - Whoo Hoo!!! A Job At Last!

2006-06-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

Who'd have thought I'd be so excited to say I have to go to work?!? After waiting longer than expected (oh, how this process teaches patience) for my new job to be finalized, I finally got word today that I am now officially employed. Aside from being terrific news financially, this means I now have an employer to complete my employment verification letter! This letter was the last hurdle to completing our home study. Sing it with me now..."It's a big beautiful day...and nothing's standing in my way (la la la)".... (courtesy of one of my fave singer/songwriters - Bob Schneider).

Week 12 - Guess We'll Need a Coat

2006-05-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Rumors still abound that the wait for referral is now lengthening to 18 months from LID. Although we had originally hoped to have our daughter home well before next Christmas, as the days tick by with no answer on the job front in sight, that far off date becomes ever more elusive. At the current rate of referrals, it seems as though Winter 2008 is more likely. Gosh, that sounds like a long time away.....

Week 11 - The Form is Found

2006-05-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

Week 10 blew by with nothing of importance to report. So, here we are in Week 11 already, and the paperchase is still plodding on. The good news is that the elusive CPS form finally was picked up and processed. The bad news is that trickling down through the referral pipeline today are rumors suggesting that the wait is growing ever longer.....

I find myself irritated today at just about everything. It's funny how when you get yourself worked up over one little thing, issues at all ends of the spectrum become fair game for misplaced ire. It started when I read a post on another blog about someone's intention to conceive a second child after nearly dying while carrying her first son, who was born extremely premature after a complicated pregnancy. Stories like that always catch my attention, because it could have been me.

I understand what it feels like to desperately cling to the hope that maybe next time you'll be able to cheat science, fate, the odds, and yes, whatever god you believe in, and have a healthy, normal pregnancy. I don't want it any less today because I'm adopting than I did the day we decided to have a child. But, the difference today is, I have a daughter. She's not with me now, but she will be. And then what? How could I look her in the eye and tell her that the risk of me dying during pregnancy is just one she'll just have to live with? How can anyone?

I'm jealous of that blogger, for finding a way to make peace with fertility choices I cannot. I'm angry at my body, for having wonky chromosomes, zealously clotting blood, and faulty ovaries. I'm equally peeved at my brain, for having taken it's own sweet time allowing adoption to worm itself out of my head and into my heart. I'm p.o.'ed at my father, for dying before he could meet his granddaughter (or maybe just at whoever decided it was his time to go). Mostly I'm just pissed that there aren't any choices surrounding this whole f'ing thing that don't involve heartbreaking compromise, crushing self doubt, and a whole lot of limbo.

Whew...sorry for the rant. There will be better days....

Week 9 - Why Rush?

2006-05-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Last week was a comedy ....of sorts. Our social worker informed us that she still hadn't received our clearance from Child Protective Services. Since we had turned in the form over a month ago, she was concerned that something had happened to it. Turns out we dropped the form off at the wrong government office. No wonder the clerk there looked at us like we'd stepped off a space ship when we handed it to her. Sadly, she was not dazed enough to hand it back and point us in the right direction.

So, in a panic, our home study agency asked us to mail another form - immediately. Evidently the clerk that processes CPS clearances is leaving the position and the department is being reorganized. If our form gets processed before she leaves - we're golden. If not, it may sit on an empty desk for a while until that function is reassigned to a new clerk. So, not yet swept up in the urgency of the matter, I calmly drive to my local post office to overnight the form, since FedEx won't deliver to a P.O. Box. No one tells me that USPS automatically requires a signature to deliver an Express Mail item. No one thinks about the fact that it's a P.O. Box and there aren't miniature people hanging out in the box all day just waiting to sign for packages.

My specially-overnighted now desperately-needed form doesn't get picked up for four days. As the days pass, I grow less and less calm about it. Everything is stalled, waiting on this form to be processed. So much for the mad rush.

Starry Eyes

2006-05-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Here folks, is what it's all about:

http://moonbeamcelebration.homestead.com/flash_detected.html

Click the link above for a reel of referral photos taken from a September 2002 DTC group, as well as photos of their children taken two years later. After all of the paperwork, delays, frustration, and a trip around the world - this is the real deal.

Warning: Kleenex required.

Thanks, Donna, for sharing this wonderful link.

Week 8 - We Passed!

2006-05-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks, we've been waiting on a draft of our homestudy from our social worker. Even though we feel confident that we're fit to be parents, there was an uneasy current running through each of us as we waited for that official "recommendation" necessary to adopt. We worried over whether we said the right things; did our home (and our housekeeping skills!) pass muster; were we likeable? What if we forgot to dot an i or cross a t in our paperwork? What if our references got together and said we were closet psychopaths (infertility does do funny things to you)? Neither of us spoke a word about this river of uncertainty winding through us, as if to voice it would lend truth to our fears.

Mercifully this past weekend, after hours of speaking with our references, reading our autobiographical applications, and meeting with us in person, our social worker granted us legitimacy as adoptive parents - we passed our home study!! We won't actually be certified to adopt until our home study goes before the judge for review, but it still merits a mini-celebration for now!

Week 7 - Inefficiencies

2006-04-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

We finally got D's birth certificate back from the state of New York. Processing time from order date to arrival in our mailbox = 16 days.

Now the certificate goes back to NY county to have it re-certified. Estimated processing time = 14 days.

Then the certificate goes to the Secretary of State to be certified yet again. Estimated processing time = 5 days.

Lastly, it goes to the Chinese Consulate for authentication. Estimated processing time = 15 business days.

So, from start to finish, including a day on each side of the equation for shipping, completion of a single dossier document originating in New York = 60 days if done through the mail (assuming it doesn't get lost in transit on any of its trips).

Dossier completion of same said document by a courier - Estimated processing time = 5 days.

Whatever the courier wants to charge us to not have to deal with New York government offices anymore = priceless.

Week 6 - Still Paperchasing

2006-04-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a quiet week - not too much to report. Finally got a certified copy of my birth certificate back from Texas. Now I have to send it back to the Lone Star State to have it certified that it's a valid certified copy. Still waiting on D's birth certificate to come back from New York. We've heard that New York state offices can be notoriously slow in terms of paperwork. Funny, considering how fast-paced the rest of New York can be...

Twice the Rice

2006-04-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

It's sobering. It's difficult to read in every way. Nonetheless, I think it should be required reading for every adoptive parent who has or is considering transracial, transcultural adoption.

http://twicetherice.wordpress.com/

Twice the Rice is written by Ji-in, a 29 year old Korean adoptee. She's sometimes a little angry, sometimes a little bitter, and at all times bluntly honest. Reading about Ji-in's experience coming to terms with her adoption reminds me that "our" adoption is not about us. Our adoption will be about our daughter. It's her story. It will always be her story, no matter how we try to make it fit the tale we would like told, or the happy ending we hope to assign it.

Whether you decide to agree or disagree with Ji-in's blatantly harsh words about adoption, it's important to note that unless you've been adopted yourself, it's virtually impossible to truly put yourself in her shoes. Dismissing her comments as sensationalist or self-indulgent diminishes the absolute value of her personal truth. A verity that Ji-in, judgments aside, solely owns.

Tonight I find myself acutely aware that perhaps an inwardly turned mirror is both the kindest and cruelest reflection of all. I have so much to learn - about adoption, myself, and soon, my daughter. Most importanly, I pray I'll learn to cradle my daughter's truth with gentle hands.

Week 5 - Gathering of Documents

2006-04-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

Not too much to report here...just going about the gathering of what seems like a million documents for our dossier. Dropped off our request today for police letters of clearance to prove we weren't serial criminals in a previous life. The USCIS cashed our check this week for our petition to adopt an international orphan, so we know that things are moving along on that front, too. We've finished up our homestudy visits and our social worker is just waiting on me to finalize my job situation before she writes up our home study. Sometimes, late at night, it really seems as though this adoption is finally going to happen. Then I wake up in the morning and it still seems so far away. I know we'll get there...after all - even the turtle can cross 1,000 miles if he just keeps walking.

Week 4 - The Dossier Guide

2006-04-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we finally received the holy grail of the adoption paperchase - the dossier guide. For those of you not on top of adoption lingo - the dossier is a compilation of financial documents, immigration approvals, home study information and other documents that international adoptive families must put together for foreign governmental review.

Since each piece of the dossier requires notarization, certification and authentication from different state, national and international entities prior to being finalized, the dossier guide is intended to provide parents with instructions on what to send where and to whom. Lots and lots of instructions - almost 50 pages worth. Guess I'll be reading more than knitting for the next few days...

In other news we have our third home study visit tonight. Just when we thought things were going smoothly, we have hit our first minor snag. I am anticipating changing jobs over the next few weeks, which will have the effect of slowing down our home study process during the transition. In the meantime we are continuing to collect documents and hope that my situation will resolve itself quickly and we'll be able to move forward full speed ahead!

Webbed Feet

2006-04-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

Nature has an uncanny way of opening our eyes sometimes...for us, whenever something big is about to happen, we get ducks in our swimming pool. While we were going through infertility treatment, a pair of mallard ducks would find their way to our pool on the most meaningful of days, as if they knew exactly when and where to pull up a front row seat to watch the latest episode of our personal drama. It has been a long time since we've seen them, and we felt sure that they moved on when we did.

Much to our surprise, on Saturday we heard their familiar quacking. A quick peek out the window confirmed their graceful presence as they tooled around our deep end as if waiting for something. Soon after, our telephone rang. It was our adoption agency, approving our application much sooner than we expected!!! This was the last piece we were waiting on to get the international paperwork started in earnest. Soon after the call, the ducks changed channels and took flight. Maybe next time we should offer them popcorn.

Home Study Visit #2

2006-03-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

An adoptive homestudy for China requires four visits with your social worker (instead of the usual two visits required for most other countries). We had our second visit today, and things are continuing to go well. Since our social worker lives in Glendale, we met kind of in the middle at Sweet Tomatoes in Scottsdale. Now, if you've ever been to a Sweet Tomatoes restaurant, you know that the atmosphere inside can be kind of frenetic. Imagine trying to gracefully eat cucumbers sliced a wee bit too large to fit into your mouth while avoiding dripping extra dressing into your lap and attempting to answer questions over the surrounding din about what it means to be a mother all at the same time. Could there be better preparation for parenthood?

In the Mail

2006-03-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Our application to CCAI is finally in the mail!!! It feels amazing to be moving forward! It should take about a week for our agency to review the application, and hopefully approve us into their program. After that, the real whirlwind of dossier preparation begins. Hopefully, the next few days will be the quiet before the storm....

Week 3 - First Home Study Visit

2006-03-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

We heard from our social worker over the weekend. Somehow, we thought there would be a period of time between when we first chatted with her, and when she would actually grace our doorstep. Nope. She's coming today. TODAY. All of the hopes and dreams for parenthood we've had over the last couple of years were channeled into a frantic house cleaning session yesterday.

Now, I know that the social worker is much more concerned about whether we're axe murderers in disguise than whether there's dust on our dining room table, but it's still virtually impossible to resist the urge to clean everything. So, our normally well lived-in home currently looks like a magazine cover. If we can only keep it this way for a few hours, everything will be golden. Here we go!!

The First Slowdown

2006-03-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

When we entered this process, we thought that our wait from paperwork log in date (LID) to referral would be approximately 8-10 months. Sadly, it seems as though the process has slowed down considerably, and a wait for a referral of 10-12 months or more is becoming ever more likely. Ever one to expect the less-than-rosy scenario, I had mentally prepared myself for a year long wait (yet hoped for shorter). Don't you hate it when your fears come true?

Week 2 - It Begins

2006-03-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we got assigned our social worker to begin our homestudy. My stomach soared and twisted and turned at this first mile marker of our very long journey yet to come. I'm excited, albeit terrified, as I consider how far we've come to reach this place.

Over the past couple of years, we've collected reams of paper from prospective agencies, joined listserves and forums, made phone calls and talked to adoptive parents. We have filled out numerous applications, and had our fingerprints taken again and again. And, each time we thought we were truly ready to begin, fear, doubt, and sometimes just life, held us back.

Now, when people ask us "why China?", the answer seems simple - it's the right choice for us, at the right time. Funny how sometimes if you are patient enough to wait for them, answers reveal themselves in the clearest of ways.

And so, it begins.

Week 1 - The First Glimmer

2006-03-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

The Chinese lantern has long been a symbol of long life and good luck. Since a crimson hue connotes vitality and energy at its maximal state, a glowing red lantern placed outside a doorway tells of a birth or marriage. As we dropped our application for an adoptive home study into the mail last week, our virtual lantern was lit. Our vermilion glow, then, is a birth story of sorts - of hope, of love, of our family.